this is michelle's dot blogspot dot com

2012-01-01T02:15:00.000Z

this blog is exactly a year old.

how time flies!

i can't believe that i have made the transition from medical student to doctor in the lifespan of this blog!

i thought several things to write about as i was washing the dishes earlier on but they all dissipated as i sat in front of the screen.

typical, eh?

haha. happy 2012 to everybody reading this :)

i wish for myself grace, strength, hope and courage.

and lotsa smiles and love all around!

(maybe a slightly more pensive post when i feel more like it.. lol)

disoriented

2011-12-22T23:13:00.000Z

you'll be fine

i will be! :)

-

you'll be fine

oh. will i?

no choice

2011-12-11T22:54:00.001Z

@scuffs

:)

have a good life.

24: done and dusted; and then there were 28.

2011-12-07T22:01:00.001Z

wanted to blog on the last day of ortho but was too tired/ couldn't be bothered.

first day of general medicine, all tired out. supposed to be clearing - there were 28 admissions yesterday -_- never in my life, even in 4th and 5th year have i seen such an amount of patients................... managed to get home on time though (with help from kind fellow f1s and med students!

i supposed if i survived all this on my 24th consecutive day i should be able to survive whatever comes next! cannot bear the thought of going back to work tomorrow, today was traumatising enough! supposed to be 1st on (love how it sounds so cool), working from 0900 to 2200

AT LEAST I AM OFF THIS WEEKEND HALLELUJAH

was going to blog briefly about random cases i saw today but am too tired and should go to sleep now

good night!

ps. got called to go up to ward 7 (HAHAHAH) within 2 hours of starting my day to get an endoscopy request in for a boarder LMAO.

pps. gosh i miss ward 7 so badly :(((

21

2011-12-04T22:12:00.001Z

i have been having some relevations as of late (and i hope that they are here to stay)

i was attending my first (and possibly last) trauma clinic session with mr gmcl and jr because i had to get a mini-cex and cbd signed off, and it was the best and most rewarding experience i've had since i started work. the exhilaration from being introduced as jr's colleague and as a junior doctor for the first time ever in an outpatient setting (pre-assessment clinics don't count), being treated like an adult, actually being allowed to read the patient's notes so that it would aid me in making my decision-making and being left alone to talk to and examine the patient and then to formulate my own diagnoses and then present it back to jr... it was so exciting, and i actually felt medically alive and that made my entire day! i was hooked after diagnosing the first patient (who had a lipoma - a very simple diagnosis which wouldn't be worth mentioning under normal circumstances but baby steps!), so much so that i stayed for the rest of the 2.5 hours, and managed to 'assist' in the fitting of a zimmer split!

(omg i sound like an overly enthusiastic ~~medical student~~ junior doctor now - but better enthusiastic and apathetic and complacent, i say!)

this got me thinking about the countless opportunities i have missed over the past 4 months - there will always be regrets but this has only given me a wake up call to seize every opportunity that presents itself over the next few years (and beyond!). i have caught myself thinking that i should have followed the physiotherapists around for a few sessions to see what they do, i should have scrubbed in for trauma theatre and some elective lists, i should have attended way more trauma and fracture clinics and trauma meetings... i should have learned more about dressings and splints

should've, could've, but wouldn't...

oh well. at least i am now rather confident when it comes to pain medication, and i FINALLY know the dosages (and maximum dosages) of most painkillers, and i also now know the difference between cocodamol and codrydamol and the likes (i remember seeing cocodamol within my first week of arrival in the uk and being so bewildered and confused by it and i never really had the courage to pursue it further). i am also rather comfortable with dealing with antiemetics and laxatives (lmao, as i tell everybody) and know what to do when nurses come up to me telling me that my patient has an itchy nose due to their PCAs (a side effect which apparently only seems to happen in perth -_-) i guess i have also learned about warfarin prescribing and sliding scales and blood transfusions and how to prescribe them, and am no longer petrified when faced with having to request xrays and fill in BTS forms

haha ok i should stop.

anyway - my next relevation is a rather more significant and possibly life-altering one. i was looking through my retrospectroscope and was examining my decision of ending up staying in dundee... was then thinking about doing a taster week in oncology (while on the toilet, HAHA) and i realised that ward 32 is honestly and actually quite a depressing ward and if i ended up doing oncology i don't think i would want to work there eventually - also i've been encouraged to pursue oncology elsewhere, so...

i understand why i chose to stay on, that fateful day more than a year ago, and i don't really regret that decision - i still think it was the right one to make at that point in time. however, i have come to the conclusion that there is nothing left here for me, and it is time for a change of scene. the reason i chose to stay is gradually losing its appeal, and its about time i built a new life for myself somewhere else.

where, is now the question. well. i don't know. the world is my oyster. the states, australia, new zealand or maybe scotland (just somewhere else besides dundee), who knows?

the good news is that all this has stirred up in me an urgent and pressing need to start learning medicine again - for this i must also thank sweeleen and mezhen, i guess. HAHA GUESS WHAT I THINK I AM GOING TO READ LILLY'S ON THE BUS TOMORROW MORNING -_- i sorely miss the days of imu bj where i would just be totally consumed by the act of studying and learning medicine and how i loved every second of it. it didn't start of with me doing it by choice, but i had to do it out of necessity. it was a struggle for the first few days, and then it became fun, and then it became a compulsion.

... and then the exams were over and all was lost. HAHA.

anyway. i should be sleeping - my eyebags horrified the shit outta me when i first looked at my face properly in the mirror since i can't remember when.

i think i'm just sad i have to leave ortho soon. i keep thinking about how it was as a medical student, and how spending 4 weeks in a ward isn't really enough and why nurses don't bother getting to know students that well. just when you're warming up to somebody, he/she leaves. just like that. like a flower which blooms only for 5 minutes after you spend 4 weeks slaving on it. it takes a toll on you. i feel so attached to most of my nurses, and it genuinely saddens me to have to say goodbye so soon. :(

but que sera sera, and i will still be able to see them when they bleep me irately for discharge scripts for my boarders for the next 4 months, so... :D

ok gnite

20? 21?

2011-12-03T22:45:00.000Z

i don't even know what day it is anymore, is it saturday? is it sunday? i don't really know -_- not that it matters since i will still have to go to work every day until next friday anyway.

was going to attempt to swap a weekend so that i could go to the christmas markets in edinburgh and glasgow with yuen khai and ben

but i have now decided that i probably won't because i am too tired for shit like that

(not referring to going for christmas markets, i don't think anybody could be too tired for christmas markets!)

sorely need to stay out of the hospital for more than 24 hours. i swear when next weekend comes i will be in bed for the better part of saturday. lmao. will be having the house to myself, YES PLEASE THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
-

on a more serious note, i'd also say that having worked such a long stretch has also given me quite a lot of insight into what being a doctor entails, and the very profound effects simple acts of kindness can have on patients

have had to deal with several stroppy radiographers, BTS technicians/on-call lab techs and phlebotomists who often ruin my day, but the patients and nurses (who are a tremendously wonderful bunch whom i shall miss very dearly!) help keep me borderline sane

(i strongly advise any highly enthusiastic doctors/doctors-to-be against working more than 12 days in a row if you can help it - the range of emotions i have felt over the past almost-3-weeks has been hellish and overwhelming)

anyway i am feeling quite tearful now because i am too tired so i really should get some sleep

good night!

17

2011-11-30T22:33:00.000Z

one of the worst days ever.

i will forget this (eventually)

good night

14

2011-11-28T00:06:00.001Z

you know what. i spent an hour writing a fucking essay and my ipad erases it.

so here's the gist of what i wrote.

14 outta 26, already going mad but slowly becoming madder

might not like what i'm doing but it's alright

hate pain

good night.

drastic measures

2011-11-16T23:09:00.002Z

have to be taken

# 21

2011-11-15T22:59:00.000Z

(aka 'rut')

how do you know when it's time to move on?

yeah, how do you know?

perfect.

2011-11-06T01:29:00.001Z

Show encrypted text

(i'm not even going to write the password down anywhere because i sincerely hope i end up forgetting it)

things i want to do

2011-10-29T01:16:00.000+01:00

hang out in an aquarium and subsequently take pictures of fishes and jellyfish

stay on tumblr forever and and like (almost) every post

spend way too much time on failbook, memebase and icanhascheezburger

stay up the whole night reading a beautiful book...

but mostly hang out in an aquarium and take pictures of fishes and jellyfish

-

the night sighed. it was going to be a sad night.

all my words are gone

2011-10-22T03:08:00.001+01:00

23 years and a week old, and i officially have lost the ability to think of anything to say.

you know - i think i should start being happier

(AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!)

this is very worrying - i don't normally suffer from writer's block.

-

am having random flashbacks of:

meeting up with people in the atrium and yelling at people (in a nice and friendly way, of course) from outside the pbl rooms, and selling things for random causes

how you almost told me the secret while we were preparing campaign paraphernalia during the src elections

how i felt the very moment i realised that you were more than just a friend - that slight sinking feeling and the brief dread when the words "oh shit. i really do like him." grew roots and settled comfortably in my brain. i didn't even mean to mean it when i was telling her, i just realised mid-sentence - it was during a diwali performance - and i knew that i was setting myself up for a shitload of trouble
(... and i couldn't have been more right. fml.)

smileys. rare smileys. the rarest smilies in the entire existence of mankind and all alien lifeforms.

turning up at tracy's practically every night

pseudo philosophical conversations in merv's room. merv playing spore. having to wake up early to go to csu on time.

feeling... guilty, but yet slightly excited at the prospect of "a new life" with the arrival of mr x (this is a different mr x) and thesocialexperiment

you saying that you'd pwn me at foosball (i had just started to get the hang of it), and me challenging you to a match but not actually meaning it, because i knew that this was the end and there was no point. not a day goes by without me wondering how you're doing.

-

i frequently tell myself that there is no way anybody could have possessed the ability to evoke such strong emotions in me, because i believe that i am no longer capable of feeling strongly for anybody at all anymore, but i also know that this is untrue, because at some point i decided to prophylactically make it a point to remind myself periodically that yes - he did make me feel like nobody could; i will deny this but i will be wrong. remember this.

and then i shrug and tell myself that i must be right.

and then i feel better. because i no longer feel that way.

-_- ok i need to go and sleep.

137

2011-10-21T01:11:00.000+01:00

the magical number of books currently on my ipad i hope to (by some unbelievable miracle) finish sometime in the future...

#firstworldproblems

2011-10-20T01:19:00.000+01:00

i hate that i have realised that:

ignorance is bliss
this is it. there is nothing else i can do. (i also sincerely believe that this is the moment practically all of my friends have been waiting for - bring out the champagne, guys! HAHA.)
i have been willingly deceiving myself
certain things will never change, and that i was stupid to believe otherwise
watching romcoms = paying hollywood hard-earned money to shovel bullshit down your eyes and brain
fairytale romances are a myth
so is 'true love'. i (metaphorically) spit on the notion.

ok i think im going to have to stop there before i push myself off the edge into an abyss of bitterness, resentment, disappointent, anger and self-loathing.

(... teetering.)

it seems somewhat a shame, innit, to just uproot yourself and leave after investing a significant part of your life in something you once so strongly believed in...?

is this why people hold on so tightly to the very things that eat them up inside slowly when it is obvious that they should just move on?

oh, the paralysing fear.

hello, old friend.

sigh

2011-10-13T01:46:00.001+01:00

"... I would kill for somebody to be as nice to me, some people just don't know how to appreciate (niceness)..."

"but to know there's someone there and yet to turn that person away in an unpleasant manner is just not... Nice..."

well, it sure sucks that you're not him.

It never is enough

2011-10-03T01:02:00.001+01:00

i will never be happy - because i will never be satisfied. there will always be something somebody could have done better, there will always be something that is just out of reach for me, and i will undoubtedly be a disappointment to everybody who has the misfortune of dealing with me.

am in one of my self-pitying moods again (as you can already tell) - the sound of the tapping of a keyboard is chipping at whatever's left of my sanity; the too-frequent smiles driving little daggers into my heart. i hate how these things have so much power over me - i literally had to leave before i went hysterical and started yelling and inflicting bodily harm on myself; the walls are too thin and would cave under my punches.

it's times like these when i reenter one of the darkest recesses of my psyche, the corner against which i actively fight a (losing) battle in hopes of never having to revisit it

a lone question, luminous against the suffocating darkness of this cavern

why can't he be me?

ignorance; (your) bliss

2011-09-23T11:39:00.001+01:00

what they see is a snapshot of the moment, and they judge you.

what they don't see is things that have happened over the past 5 years. things are way more complicated that you'll ever care to fathom, dearie.

I would never treat him the way you think I am.

#20

2011-09-11T01:28:00.001+01:00

what song reminds you of your youth?

stan by eminem featuring dido

this song played constantly on hitz.fm when i stayed up home alone waiting for my mom/dad to come home from work. i remember the warm, sticky nights, and me dreading my math homework, and how the radio was on because i was desperate for some noise

dido's haunting voice still brings up waves of (unpleasant) nostalgia in me, and the splash of stan's car crashing into the water (i used to mistake this for the sound of people jumping into the pool on the first floor of my condo - i never was comfortable with the idea of people swimming at night, being in swimming pools at night creeps the freak out of me, another reason why this song deeply unsettles me)

haha, i guess that speaks volumes about my youth in general, eh?

#19

2011-09-11T01:17:00.000+01:00

what do you do when you love someone who doesn't love you back?

:) i suppose you can tell a lot about people by the answer they give to this question.

i think i would probably just let time take its course

however

i also suppose it depends on who the person we are talking about is

...

inbetweeners

2011-09-11T01:11:00.001+01:00

when i ~~decided on~~ agreed to watching the inbetweeners, i didn't expect to leave the cinema feeling... sad.

anyhoo.

lots of things have happened since the 28th of august.

i attended to two patients just hours before they passed away (their deaths had nothing to do with me, obviously). i cannulated mr jn to give him some fluids and antibiotics, and i attempted to take arterial blood gas samples from mrs cm as she was desaturating and deteriorating.

mr jn was severely demented with a history of parkinsonism - he was a very lovely man. mrs cm was equally lovely, she was demented as well, and she did not make a single complaint as she was being stabbed repeatedly for blood gas samples - she just clung tighter to her soft toy rabbit, which was called james.

i have also seen two patients who i am extremely fond of, mr nk and mr nr, come back in with infected hips and knees. they were fine and were going home shortly after i left for the day.

i performed my first successful abg on a human, i performed my second borderline-emergency catheterisation on a patient

so... yeah.

work is amazing and it makes me do unbelievable things. for example, i now only use my laptop during the weekends because i can no longer be bothered to turn the thing on, and i no longer have the energy reserves to deal with operating sophisticated pieces of electronic devices. besides, i have a slight fear of being overwhelmed and overstimulated by the goings on in the universe...

oh god. i'm speaking like a 50 year old. however, this also means that i am now way more reliant on my phone and iPad, which means that i can't possibly be all that out of touch with technology, right...?

anyway, i am off to bed now, good night!

ps. Upon rereading this entry i have come to realise that i sound quite incoherent. i blame this on feeling sleepy and having to type a big part of this entry on an iPad - not the easiest thing to do in the world...

test

2011-08-28T23:54:00.001+01:00

This is rather confusing...

On the other hand, I will now be able to blog on the go...

Watch this space

hindsight. foresight?

2011-08-28T01:22:00.002+01:00

maybe i will never be able to leave this place in this lifetime.

is it time to resign myself to my fate?

drat.

not yet

2011-08-28T00:57:00.000+01:00

i have just realised (just like i did on the 7th of july) that i haven't left the place i shouldn't have arrived at in the first place

ugh

cardiology iii

2011-08-24T22:39:00.002+01:00

and you, my darling

you whom i have waited for for 3 years

you

you shall be my new best friend.

emo

2011-08-21T13:21:00.002+01:00

fuck this shit

ramblings

2011-08-17T23:01:00.000+01:00

it's been exactly two weeks since i've started being a doctor... for real.

haha somehow i still kinda feel like a fraud - mostly 'cos ben found out that ppl with medical degrees are given the title 'dr' honourifically - so technically the only people who are really deserving of the title are people with phds and mds...

(so much for snorting at people who call themselves dr but do not possess a medical degree - guess who the real frauds are? HAHA.)

(ok so maybe this tradition of calling medical degree holders doctor dates way back into the 14th century... but still.)

(this is a sign. i should aim for a phd. -_-)

anyway. how am i finding work? it is still slightly overwhelming at times - i will be honest, i am having very mixed feelings about it. on one hand, i occasionally catch myself almost thinking that i cannot believe i am being paid to be doing something i kinda enjoy (or maybe it's just that i have been doing pretty much the same thing for quite some time without getting paid and therefore getting paid feels weird lol); on the other hand it also kinda feels like i'm... settling.

most of the time i genuinely feel like i was made for medicine, but quite a big part of me occasionally thinks that there must be something more to life than dragging my sorry ass to the hospital at 5 in the morning and dragging it back home at 7 in the evening and spending my life being a scut monkey and overqualified clerk...

haha but of course everybody has to start from the bottom and i fully appreciate that. honestly i leave work feeling very gratified because all my obsessive tendencies flourish when i am in the hospital and i am possibly one of the most obsessive and intense people you could work with (not necessarily in a good way, i admit). i have come to realise that i may also be a closet workaholic HAHA. like i sat my ass down and finished aaaaall my DOTS modules that were due for the 26th, AND i finished everything within 3 days, AND it's 10 days before the deadline...

... and what's more, i even moved on to the next set of DOTS modules which are due 21st october and am almost halfway through and i am gunning to finish them some time in the next few weeks...

... FURTHERMORE, i am also planning on finishing the rest of the DOTS modules for the year (with the next sets due february and june '12) ASAP.

wtf?

lol anyway i should be sleeping now

sigh. work.

at least there's only 8 more days left til payday! WOOHOO :D

#5219

2011-08-03T21:26:00.000+01:00

i now know why it is such a rarity to find doctors who blog...

there simply isn't enough time!!!! (and energy!!!)

hahaha post first day of work - all tired out, but feeling good! :)

perfect

2011-07-27T20:27:00.000+01:00

i can now appreciate what other people think/feel when they see me wasting my youth overanalysing things that do not hold any significance in the universe, namely...

i'm sure you can find much better ways to spend your time and energy. why are you doing this to yourself?

ooh, having a job is perfect! there is no brain capacity for anything else, which explains why i can't even string a decent blog post together and am considering sleeping at 9 pm - when it's still (literally) sunny out.

dot dot dot

2011-07-26T22:07:00.000+01:00

first day of shadowing!

i think i am going to be loving my job - no weekends, no nights, being on call means i start at 12 pm and end at 9 pm, good pay, nice colleagues, nice and supportive seniors, great work environment - what more could i ask for?

have also (somewhat) moved into my new place - the things i like the most so far are: the piano, the fact that my table has drawers, and my (comfy beyond belief!) aussino bedclothes.

other than that - new battles to fight, new demons to face

but things don't seem as daunting as they did before this phase of my life started - maybe it's because i do not currently have the time OR energy to be distressed over stupid things that used to bother me. maybe it's also because i realised that the shit i am going through are the results of my choices and there is nobody else to blame, so all i can do is to suck it up and make the best out of things.

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

... right?

(i know i'm rambling)

things are changing - i was dreading starting work but as the day went by i realised that work was an escape from all this crap and i was actually excited! (more about the pay than anything else, HAHA)

(i am secretly praying that i somehow miraculously morph into a workaholic - this has been a long awaited dream of mine, lol)

sigh ok i should go. it is 2207 and i have to wake up at 0500.........

ugly

2011-07-19T17:53:00.000+01:00

~~you are beautiful~~
~~no matter what they say~~

bull.

the invisible wall

2011-07-07T15:38:00.000+01:00

people don't know how they really feel until unexpected things happen

dire states

2011-06-22T02:36:00.001+01:00

cannot wait for mama to arrive.

need a pick me up.

hate this hellhole.

"moving on"

2011-06-21T03:14:00.000+01:00

(spoiler alert!)

i wonder how house felt when he drove his car through cuddy's living room.

this reminds me of how i felt after watching clockwork orange; the very real surge of guilty excitement and pleasure when i imagined the things i would do if i were one of alex's droogs - or rather, if i were alex - in a world where repercussions did not exist and where i would be able to get away with anything and everything...

blahblahblah

2011-06-17T02:35:00.006+01:00

i was looking through some folders which contained photos that were taken when i first arrived in dundee some 27 months ago

i hadn't the foggiest clue about what was going to hit me.

27 months later and here i am - (almost officially) a doctor (somebody from the foundation school called me today and asked for dr lim, which i found slightly weird because i filled in all my employment forms as ms michelle lim lol)

in hindsight, even if i could manipulate time so that i could talk to myself before i started living here, i wouldn't know what to say.

don't beat yourself up over him - it's not going to be worth it. fact.

the oncologist you will embarrass yourself in front of with your pathetic bladder cancer presentation will turn out to be your mentor and will not remember your horrible performance (thank god) two years down the line - so don't worry!

people won't judge you over your english - which is perfectly fine by the way.

you really shouldn't have done your fourth year project on child psychiatry..................

no matter what happens, don't lose your niceness. you will miss it when it's gone and wish that you were still the same person you were before you left for dundee. also, when this happens, you will realise that you are now an extremely bitter person and you will hate yourself for it. don't let the bastards get you down.

it will be an extremely difficult 2 years and by the end of it, you won't even be able to say things like 'at least i had a few friends who were always there for me'. because there generally weren't. so please stop being dependent on your friends.

(ok i should probably stop sounding so bitter -_-)

but don't worry (again) la, you WILL graduate. good call on the OSCE thing - don't doubt your decisions! it was the right thing to do :))

you will fall in love with neuro-oncology, and senior clinicians will tell you that you are way better than you give yourself credit for. dr cw will probably have said the kindest words to you in a long time. she is right. :)

whatsapp will be your friend.

shit will happen to your closest friends and you will have front row seats and sometimes things will never be the same for them again - and you will have to learn to live with that.

you will meet drs sg and mh when you do your electives in johns hopkins (omg, can you imagine?!?!?!) - they will be among your greatest inspirations - PLEASE BE MORE OUTGOING AND CHATTY, YOU ARE CAPABLE OF MORE THAN WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dr rs will be one of the clinicians you like the best ever - because he is at least as weird as you! you will loooooooooooveeee him for it! HOWEVER, you should also be forewarned about the things you will hear and see and the thoughts that come with them before you embark on your 5th year gp block. HAHAHA.

yes i realised that all this is a thinly veiled excuse for me to emote and that it is too late because EVERYTHING THAT WILL HAPPEN HAS ALREADY HAPPENED

oh wait - please look out for mr x. :)

so whatever la ok, just be happy that this chapter of your life is over (you can now look forward to being paid, WOOHOO), and that you still have the rest of your life in front of you, and most importantly

you are now a doctor.
(who would've thought?!)

finally

2011-06-17T01:47:00.000+01:00

(in more ways than one)

cannot wait for my mom to come over! :D

life lesson

2011-06-15T01:53:00.002+01:00

keep your mouth shut and your eyes (and ears) open

SIENNNNN AHHH

2011-06-08T17:33:00.001+01:00

my xweetok (halastjarna - icelandic for 'comet'; named in a fit of pretentiousness some almost 4 weeks ago HAHA) is suffering from blurred vision (like neopet, like owner lmao) and i need to get some extra thick goggles to heal her (these cost about 71,000 neopoints and i am too cheap to spend that amount of money on a pair of goggles wahaha)

therefore, i am trying my luck at the faerieland healing springs, which i can visit every 30 minutes

HOWEVER, all the water faerie has done is give my neopets extra health points (now my xweetok has 36/9 health points -_-) and random potions (i just got a juicy elixir about 2 minutes ago)

WHY CAN SHE NOT JUST FULLY HEAL MY PETS?!?!!

i realise that this is a horribly loserish thing to be blogging about and i should probably be doing something more 'productive' like playing roller coaster tycoon or installing the sims 3 instead of squandering my youth away on neopets

(heheheheheheh)

ok i think i will go and play roller coaster tycoon - after this episode of the office, jim halpert ftw <3

mr dr south-bound-l (SBL for short henceforth) has been missing for the past two days - WHAT HAPPENED?!

(ooh i have just realised that i will have to be calling mr x dr x as well from now on, at least until the novelty dies down... heheheheh)

So he said

2011-06-08T09:05:00.001+01:00

"I know that you are better than this, don't let your environment break you"

and she knew that he was right and that she had the ability to accept that things will never be the way she wanted them to be, but she would be fine with it

he knows!

2011-06-08T02:26:00.002+01:00

so.......................

mr x knows about him... and him. (and reveals his true thoughts about one of them - TOLD YOU THAT MOST OF HIS THOUGHTS REGARDING CERTAIN PEOPLE RESONATED WITH MINE RATHER SCARILY!)

hohoho

meanwhile, mr south-bound-l makes a cameo appearance (too bad i was on the phone and was unable to return his hug DAMMIT)

life is spinning out of control because the portfolio viva and osces are over and there is this void where everything else is accumulating

i keep telling myself this - less than a month and all of this will be over! new life! (kinda) new people! waheyhey!

5 years (take 2)

2011-06-07T08:23:00.000+01:00

let's do this right this time :)

hello, my name is michelle and i am a junior doctor -

and it only took 5 years!

i would like to thank the people who have stood by me all this while for their unwavering faith and belief and neverending loveeeee

it still hasn't really hit me yet, but i guess that is because i haven't officially graduated yet - but it will soon enough!

woohooooo :))

a new chapter of my life awaits - LET ME AT IT! :D

(to the general public: be afraid, be very, very afraid)

;)

some scars never heal

2011-06-07T03:01:00.000+01:00

301.50
301.81
301.82

5 years

2011-06-07T02:26:00.000+01:00

5 years down the road...

... and i am finally waiting to graduate as a doctor.

so many things have happened

i thought i would be more exhilarated than this

i was waiting for the large wave of relief that everybody described themselves to feel

but all i am doing now is sitting in front of my computer, regretting that i ever reactivated my stupid facebook account. you probably weren't talking about me, but i know that you've used that word when it came to me before.

poison.

am i, really?

am i?

so maybe i am.

sorry for being so venomous and for causing you so much misery.

i never deserved you as a friend anyway.

what i want

2011-06-06T01:29:00.000+01:00

a bowl of soup cooked by my mom
teochew porridge
some semblance of sanity
a grip on my life
dry bak kut teh
leong cha
korean food
japanese food

on which (bleep)ing planet...?

2011-06-03T03:34:00.002+01:00

dropping f bombs like they're hot

anyway i should go to sleep now

good night people! :)

(upon testing, i have come to realise that my decryption link does not work. JUST ANOTHER THING THAT HAPPENS TO STOP WORKING IN MY ALREADY DYSFUNCTIONAL LIFE fml.)

(oh well.)

i do not apologise for my emotional lability

F THIS SHIT I WOULD INFLICT GRIEVOUS BODILY HARM ON MORONIC PEOPLE WHO DARE TO ATTEMPT TO PACIFY ME OR STAND IN MY F-ING WAY.

FTS FTS FTS FTS i am going to sleep

it's photoshop's fault

dammit.

wisdom

2011-05-28T02:50:00.002+01:00

why is it so hard to do the right thing?
it's not, you just have to know why you're doing it.

say

2011-05-27T20:15:00.002+01:00

why do people say such hurtful things to/about other people?

doing the right thing

2011-05-27T16:12:00.000+01:00

i have been presented with a chance to do the right thing.

i have come to realise that this is actually a luxury, because as we grow older, we end up doing things that we would not do in an ideal world due to the circumstances we find ourselves in.

in this case, however, what i choose to do or not do could potentially bear a great deal of influence on my future.

(and yes, i am talking about my literal future of graduating and ending up as a doctor)

does this mean that it is time to be 'realistic' and leave my understanding of wrong and right aside, but just for this instance?

or does this mean that i should all the more choose to do what i know is right, regardless of the consequences?

it would be nice (and fair to certain people who have had the misfortune of being in a disadvantaged position to begin with - and i fully understand how this feels, being one of them last year) to do the right thing, because i wholeheartedly believe that i should, and because i really want to.

it would be even nicer to know that i am deserving of the mbchb because i know enough and am capable of being a doctor in my own right.

this might just be one of the times that i am truly proud of myself and what i have become.

:)

heart; break.

2011-05-24T11:09:00.002+01:00

you look great in your suit.

:)

can you keep a secret?

2011-05-24T01:31:00.000+01:00

when you realise you cannot tell anybody anything any more because everybody will tell anybody who is willing to listen what you told them.

i know because you told somebody who told me.

5 years

2011-05-23T02:50:00.001+01:00

It will all boil down to 145 minutes - cannot wait!

cocoon

2011-05-20T03:54:00.000+01:00

i have never been more acutely aware of having a space to call my own.

i love my room - i love that it separates me from the rest of the world and contains pretty much the fabric of my life. everything of value is housed (pun!) in the space bound by these four walls and my door (upon which hang, among other things, my nhs fife ID, my johns hopkins temporary ID, a flu jab hero lanyard, and a wooden 'keep out' door tag given to me by goblok)

:)

when i move out of this room i am going to make sure that i have a rasterbator poster on my new wall! :)

i cannot remember/imagine this room without the view from the arc du triomphe on the wall above my bed.

haha ok i should probably be spending my brainpower on more substantial things like the genes involved in the pathogenesis of psoriasis urgh -_-

#18

2011-05-19T02:11:00.000+01:00

who brings out the best in you? who brings out the worst in you?

different people bring out the best in me at different points in time

but one person constantly brings out the absolute worst in me - i end up being surprised and horrified at the thoughts and intentions that unearth themselves from the deepest recesses of my soul when i think about you. (i exaggerate - very slightly)

Revival

2011-05-18T02:26:00.001+01:00

does this herald the return of the (in)famous mr x?

we shall see...

because they didn't understand you

2011-05-17T02:48:00.000+01:00

am in the midst of reading dr pk's slides on water, electrolytes and acid-base balance, all of the 110 gloriously and uniquely technicoloured ones - when i came to this realisation

it takes far more effort to insert wordart and to configure each slide to have a different coloured background than having the same template for every slide (especially if there are 110 of them) - and the reason behind him having 110 slides is because he did all the compiling of information for us - there is literally no need for us to refer to any other books or sources of information because everything we need to know will already be in those slides.

i cannot believe how some people succeeded in making him quit from IMU just because they got their panties all in a twist over "not being able to understand his accent"...

i cannot further express myself without using certain expletives, but i think that these people need to get a grip and grow up.

sigh. i was lucky enough to have dr pk as a lecturer for my 2.5 years in IMU BJ (although i will admit that i was not able to fully appreciate him then)

i'm sorry dr pk - i think you deserve way more recognition than we have given you. i hope you're doing even better now wherever you are! :)

appreciation

2011-05-17T01:47:00.001+01:00

in the midst of all my frustration and empathy for a close friend

i have come to realise that there are lot of crazy and selfish people in this world

and i appreciate the few people that have been in my company for the past... 26 months and 13 days.

thanks, people!

you guys rock! :)

(i would also like to say, sadly, that the whole mr x thing turned out to be a sham - he turned out to be one of them - pity.)

2011-05-16T19:55:00.001+01:00

I Loved You

I loved you; and perhaps I love you still,
This flame, perhaps, is not extinguished; yet
It burns so quietly within my soul,
No longer should you feel distressed by it.
Silently and hopelessly I loved you,
At times too jealous and at times too shy.
God grant you find another who will love you
As tenderly and truthfully as I.
- Alexander Pushkin

interstitial fluids and all that

2011-05-16T14:51:00.001+01:00

(insert sentimental post about almost being done with med school and reminiscing time spent writing a pile of steaming drivel for the portfolio)

the past weekend has been tiring -_- i sit in front of my laptop drained and tired and deprived of any measurable brain activity

i think i haven't had interactions with more than 2 humans at a time for a very long time -_-

am now attempting to decipher the intricacies of the physiology of kidneys in fluid balance

may the powers that be bless me upon the start of this seemingly impossible and arduous feat

amen

omg

2011-05-14T15:20:00.003+01:00

HAHAHAHA turns out i was wrong - things CAN get worse.

(i am slightly disturbed about the newest piece of information that was thrust upon me)

and of course it can only have to do with mr x

(who would've thought?!)

(at least it is clear now)

retrospectoscope

2011-05-14T02:54:00.007+01:00

i start the 14th of may on a relatively low note - it can only get better from here!

always remember: a person who lies is capable of anything.

i am done with constantly being painted as the one who instigates drama; i am done with you.

goodnight everybody. :)

Conundrum.

2011-05-13T01:21:00.000+01:00

When is a strength a weakness?
When it brings you misery.

tell me a story

2011-05-11T02:26:00.000+01:00

and another post, just in case it wasn't clear enough in the previous post, about how i am feeling now:

:)) :)) :)) :)) :))

and when a good thing happens, one should not question it and just go with the flow, sista'

go with the flow.

and thank the powers that be for the smiles that arrive when you need them the most.

x marks the spot

2011-05-11T01:41:00.002+01:00

and today, we find out that:

he loves starcraft - and pokémon! (and has played pretty much most of the versions, besides black and white - AND he uses the fire pokémon as the starter pokémon, which is ALWAYS a good sign.)
he has kinda started using the phrase 'your face'
he considers me one of the people he "can really talk to"

there is more but i am too sleepy for that today so... tough.

hahaha.

:))

-

"...time flies when you're having fun"
"i know"

#17

2011-05-08T02:36:00.001+01:00

what's the farthest away you've ever lived from your hometown where you grew up?

this is actually quite an interesting question because i've never ever actually grown up fully in a place. i was born in ipoh, malaysia and left for the capital, kuala lumpur when i was 10.

even after moving to kl, i never really ever stayed at home for an extended period of time - i grew up mostly in a boarding school and my piano teacher's house and student residences (my parents worked out of state/ overseas), so i never really had the privilege of feeling strongly attached to... home.

i guess this isn't exactly a bad thing because i've always managed to make myself comfortable wherever i was - i've never really felt homesick (unless when i'm feeling sorry for myself -_-, and i was 'sick' for the idea of home, rather than home itself)

anyway, to answer the question, the farthest away i've ever lived from ipoh was when i spent 6 weeks in baltimore, that was 17,780 km (or 11,047 miles) away. i would say that it wouldn't really count because i was only there for 6 weeks but i think that it actually does because i went over alone and had to fend for myself while i was there! HAHAH.

HOWEVER, for all the pedantic asses that so liberally litter the universe today, my next answer would be being 10748.5 km (or 6718 miles) from ipoh in dundee, scotland, where i have been now for the past 26 months. fair enough? haha.

honestly, i don't see the big deal about being 'far away' from home and having to be super 'independent' because your parents are literally more than 5000 miles away. you would be in the exact same situation if you were staying right at home with your parents two states away. ok maybe you wouldn't be so inconvenienced because they would be in the same country and time zone, but

i don't know lah.

sometimes i envy people who have a very strong sense of where home is, and what it should be.

mraz magic

2011-05-07T16:28:00.000+01:00

Plane
jason mraz

Drain the veins in my head
Clean out the reds in my eyes to get by security lines
Dear x-ray machine
Pretend you don't know me so well
I won't tell if you lied
Cry, cause the droughts been brought up
Drinkin' cause you're lookin' so good in your starbucks cup
I complain for the company that I'm keepin'
The windows for sleeping rearrange
And I'm nobody
Well who's laughing now

I'm leaving your town again
And I'm over the ground that you've been spinning
And I'm up in the air said baby hell yeah
Well honey I can see your house from here
If the plane goes down, damn
I'll remember where the love was found
If the plane goes down, damn

Damn, I should be so lucky
Even only 24 hours under your touch
You know I need you so much
I cannot wait to call you
And tell you that I landed somewhere
And hand you a square of the airport
And walk you through the maze of the map
That I'm gazing at
Gracefully unnamed and feeling guilty for the luck
And the look that you gave me
You make me somebody
Ain't nobody knows me
Not even me can see it, yet I bet I'm

I'm leaving your town again love
But I'm over the ground that you've been spinning
And I'm up in the air, said baby hell yeah
Oh honey I can see your house from here
If the plane goes down, damn
I'll remember where the love was found
If the plane goes down, damn

You keep me high minded
You get me high

Flax seeds, well they tear me open
And supposedly you can crawl right through me
Taste these teeth please
And undress me from these sweaters better hurry
Cause I'm keeping upward bound now
Oh maybe I'll build my house on your cloud
Here I'm tumbling for you
Stumbling through the work that I have to do
Don't mean to harm you

By leaving your town again love
But I'm over the ground that you've been spinning
But I'm up in the air, said baby hell yeah
Oh honey I can see your house from here
If the plane goes down, damn
I'll remember where the love was found
If the plane goes down, damn
I'll remember where the love was found
If the plane goes down, damn
Well I'll remember where the love was found
If the plane goes down, damn

Who do you
Think you are, are, are, are
To keep me so oh cold, cold
You keep me high minded
You keep me high minded

You get me high minded
You get me high

mraz is beautiful live, in more ways than one.

this song reminds me about how wrong i was about you and how under all that is a wonderful person with incredible depth and sensitivity. :)

if everybody is saying it, it must be true*

2011-05-07T13:05:00.002+01:00

*certain exceptions withstanding

the easiest way to deal with people cramping your style is to just to continue acting like you're happy and said cramping never happened - you will soon feel that said cramping never actually happened in the first place. :)

things move at a faster pace nowadays - we are having to pick things up and get involved with them and drop them all in the span of a metaphoric five seconds to prevent getting burnt - the same process would have taken weeks before this. people have shorter fuses and attention spans, less patience and lower thresholds of tolerance. there is less space for mistakes, less forgiveness to share around and a whole lotta less love.

it's funny how everybody is racing to forget rather than remember; the less you remember, the nearer to the top of the pile you are.

every day is a new account opened. all debits and credits are cleared at the end of the day, and your balance will be back to zero a minute past midnight.

get this - the new in thing is your worst enemy also being your best friend. (which kind of makes sense, come to think of it - he/she will be the only person who won't (bother to) lie to you.)

i sound like i'm being all angsty and ranty - and perhaps i would have been - a month ago. i am sorry to announce that i have denounced all of this and am attempting to be one of them (since i can't beat them).

i have also realised with increasing alarm that i am now one of the people i hoped so desperately i would never become.

win none - lose all.

that is the only way to go. :)

#16

2011-05-06T01:59:00.001+01:00

what do you like about a rainy day?

somehow rainy days are the only days during which i feel... safe and secure and not alone. i always feel that sunny days are 'too good to be true', and that there is always something (bad) lurking around the corner and waiting to happen.

rainy days have nothing to hide, more so if the rainy days actually bring a thunderstorm - the louder the better. maybe it's the pitter-patter of raindrops on windows that provides white noise that drowns out some of the voices and noise in my head - it feels like i have something else to listen to for a change, something else which does not annoy the heck outta me with whininess, or hypocrisy or deceit. i feel like my mind is allowed some peace because it has something else to focus on besides itself.

and oh yes... how could i ever forget the smell of fresh rain? ('petrichor' is the word, by the way)

the more the better, i say - bring on the rain! :)

damn

2011-05-05T00:56:00.001+01:00

i have to go back to baltimore again one day.

lighter of frayed ends; 140987 (742)

2011-05-05T00:21:00.001+01:00

impossible. beyond impossible.

-

today, i thought about you while i was on the bus to perth.

do you remember (haha - pun!)? we're such different people now, also literally on opposite ends of the earth - but that little bubble in space and time shall always belong to me. (and you, of course)

742.

:)

#15

2011-05-03T00:38:00.000+01:00

What do you like about the spring season?

Longer days

Sunshine!

Blue skies!

Cherry blossoms and daffodils :)

How everything is vibrant but not washed out like during summer

The temperature

Knowing that I survived winter and that this is the furthest that winter will ever be for the entire year! :D

!!!enlightened!!!

2011-05-03T00:33:00.000+01:00

is what x said to me

haha :)

害人之心不可有，防人之心不可无。

the golden rule

the meaning of life

dust and bones

5000 units of dalteparin

kim

niceness. :)

lone ranger

2011-05-02T20:11:00.000+01:00

this is my last curtsey on your stage

i'm fucking off now - i have enough of your (non?) drama? i can never tell with you.

infuriation

2011-05-02T00:23:00.001+01:00

be wary of she who moans and bitches about pretty much everybody in her life, and who drags you into the bog together with her

if she decides to change her mind about one of her victims, the tables will be turned on you and it is you who will be made out to be the evil bitch.

she thinks the universe revolves around her; and makes it so. she bends it to her whim.

fuck.

simmer

2011-05-01T02:17:00.000+01:00

i'm getting bored.

however, i do recognise that this is necessary to avoid burnout.

-_-

:/

www.facebook.com/eighteen.percent.grey

2011-04-30T20:43:00.003+01:00

the one thing i thought i would heavily regret but have not since doing it is deactivating my facebook account.

slightly more than a quarter of a year ago, i decided to just not log into facebook anymore (for the wrong reason, nevertheless).

i have never looked back since - and i dare say that this has made me a happier person! :) it feels good to be able to finally successfully isolate one of the major sources of unhappiness in my life.

anyway - as usual i have been distracted and have lost my train of thought.

this is one of the most beautiful pieces of music i have come across, from the soundtrack of love actually:

glasgow love theme by craig armstrong

musings; solitude

2011-04-29T21:30:00.000+01:00

how woefully tragic it would be to suddenly wake up in the middle of the night, as if awoken by the worst nightmare ever, and gaze upon the figure sleeping next to you, blissfully ignorant of the monsters who almost caught you and ate your heart, still warm and steaming...

... only to be overwhelmed by repulsion and the sole sentence which is reverberating in your mind, that is -

god, how bloody unattractive can somebody be?

-

i thought it bizarre that i felt that my life was spinning wildly out of control when it has been the most monotonous it has ever been in quite some time.

and then i realised that i wasn't being bizarre because it was - spinning wildly out of (my) control.

-

the noise of solitude has never been louder.

#14

2011-04-27T01:07:00.000+01:00

When did you decide to do what you currently do for a living?

when i was young, my dream jobs included being a firewoman, a policewoman and then a teacher.

i wish i had an inspiring moment-that-changed-my-life story behind why i eventually ended up in med school, but there isn't one

i guess i could never imagine myself doing anything else - i think it was luck (and genetics) that decided that i would grow up science-inclined

why do you want to become a doctor?

because i want to help people

but you could help people by doing other things, why medicine? (i think this is a stupid question. why must i justify the means through which i want to help people? it's as if wanting to help isn't a good enough reason for wanting to be a doctor. way to discourage people from joining the medical fraternity, jerks. and before anybody asks, no, i have thankfully never been asked this question during any med school interviews)

i am intrigued by the human body and the way it functions. i am very interested in seeing how the body can be affected by so many different diseases, and am amazed by how seemingly strong and fragile it can be at the same time. i like figuring how things work, especially living things - i have always been very keen when it came to biology, which i found slightly disappointing because the focus was on animals and plants. i am interested in doing medicine because i think it can help me learn more about myself - i have been inspired by doctors who constantly stretch the boundaries of reality and make the impossible possible on a daily basis. furthermore, i also like talking to people and i love intellectual challenges and i know that i will never end up learning everything there is to know about medicine, but i am going to try my best to learn as much as i can. i believe that i can make a difference, and i choose to do it via medicine.

(a horribly cringe-worthy answer - am trying to recall what i would have said 5 years ago, LOL)

(in retrospect, i am quite amazed that i managed to come up with that spiel, haha it's all the reflecting i tell you!)

(wtf my laptop suddenly turned itself off due to overheating and i thought all of this was gone... blogger rocks much more than i give it credit for!)

haha on the other hand, i think i should go and sleep now...

#13

2011-04-25T16:54:00.001+01:00

What do you want most for your children?

(assuming that i ever have children, HAHA)

i want them to have the ability to love without reservation, and to be able to continue loving no matter how many times they get hurt

i want them to never, ever end up being jaded, and to always look at life with wonder and amazement

i want them to know that they are always loved, no matter what, and that i will always be there for them - no matter how much i nag at them. HAHAHA. and that they amount to something and they should never, ever feel the need to apologise for being themselves

i also want them to know that the people who put them down are probably secretly the most insecure asses they will ever meet - and to not be affected by the crap these people say

i want them to be curious - to be painfully curious. ask me anything, ask me awkward questions! i'll handle them - i'm going to be a doctor, nothing is going to be embarrassing. HAHAHA.

hmm - i am slightly divided on drama (whether to steer clear of it or to sod all and get stuck elbows deep in the shit life throws in your face and to be constantly amused at how everything that can go wrong does go wrong when it comes to you) - if these people are going to be my children and have inherited half of my genetic code i think they'd be more than likely to be embroiled in some major scandals sometime in their lives HAHA.

i want them to never judge, and to never, ever, ever stereotype people or have any prejudices

i want them to learn humility, and to please NEVER become empty vessels.

i also want them to be open to new ideas and other people's opinions

i want them to learn the power of silence, and listening. i want them to never shut up. i want them to be free to speak their mind (within reason, and after serious thought and without any vulgarities *lolol ahem*) and to not be cowed into silence by lesser minds.

hahahaha that's a pretty long list -_-

but if i had to sum it all in one sentence -

i'd want my children to strive to be the best person that they can be, despite me.

:)

#12

2011-04-25T03:10:00.000+01:00

If you left this life tomorrow, how would you be remembered?

She wasn't able to shut up and had a questionable sense of humour and an equally weird (?obnoxious) laugh to boot.

"Smart", "intelligent", "took some really good photos" (all this i do not necessarily agree with)

Grammar nazi

Obsessive, borderline pathologically paranoid

Oh, she's the one that had crazy dreams of wanting to be a neuro-oncologist

You cannot trust her with anything, she'd tell everybody what you told her

You could trust her with all your secrets, she wouldn't tell a soul

She had her heart in the right place... Generally.

Frequently extreme, always emotive

Aiyo, yala, she very emo wan lor, you don't know ah?

She was always there...

... and now she's not.

#11

2011-04-24T00:19:00.002+01:00

how apt.

What would you do if you were certain that nobody would judge your choices?

I would Love. With all the recklessness and abandon and passion that I could ever muster.

I would be Brave.

I would be everything that I am Not, but should Be.

-

I am terribly disappointed by how weak I really am.

#10

2011-04-24T00:12:00.000+01:00

at the risk of having anybody think that this blog has been taken over by spambots... NO, IT HASN'T. THIS IS JUST A PHASE IN MY LIFE. don't hate. HAHA.

If you lost everything tomorrow, whose arms would you want to run into? Does that person know how much they mean to you?

My dad's. And I don't think so...

#9

2011-04-24T00:05:00.000+01:00

If you had all the money in the world but still had to have some kind of job, what would you choose to do?

I'd be a librarian.

This answer surprises me, and worries me a little.

#8

2011-04-23T23:56:00.000+01:00

Share a dirty little secret about yourself (or someone else).

she did love me, and this is true.

#7

2011-04-23T23:43:00.000+01:00

this is a very interesting question because i have always had the answer ready

What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask?

The one (extraordinarily and superbly normal) thing that never fails to make me tear out of happiness.

#6

2011-04-23T23:39:00.001+01:00

Turn to an entry in your journal or diary from a year or more ago. What has changed and what has stayed the same since then?

this entry was originally a long spiel with abstracts from entries written in april, starting in the year 2005. i subsequently decided against it because that would somewhat defeat the entire point of the question.

25th march 2010:

it’s been a horribly long night of black-belted insects who wrote me pieces of her heart crumpled into balls thrown across hushed hallways into darkened rooms and cheating astronauts who left us all none the wiser and tears under the duvet, buffered by the discussion of the diagnosis of pregnancy and the significance of serial measurements of the hormone hCG.
and i realise once again, what i have realised before, on many prior nights not unlike tonight (but with different casts of demons) -
that you are simply not worth any of this.
the sound of a closed door is the sound of my breaking (broken?) heart…
but enough melodrama. 698 words to go…
and then another 12000 more.
may the powers that be bless my soul.
amen.
(no – seriously. -_-)

black-belted insects and astronauts have even since then been things of the past - i sometimes catch myself being amazed at the emotions they used to conjure in me - as evidenced by snippets of writings i occasionally stumble across.

(i am struggling with expressing myself - i should stop talking to x)

i can never believe how strongly i felt for certain people; i can no longer believe that i strongly feel for anybody.

#5

2011-04-22T02:05:00.004+01:00

let's make it a round number with another obvious question and answer

are you holding on to something that you need to let go of?

surprisingly, i would have thought that the answer to this would be yes, as it has been for the past 4 and a half years

however, somewhere in between the hills of piazzale michelangelo and the understanding i have found in x, i seem to have found it in me to let it go.

it's hard, sometimes, because i have this huge gaping void to fill - but the amount of heartbreak required to refill that gap isn't worth it anymore.

so at the moment, no, i am not holding on to something that i need to let go of. :)

ps. my english is deteriorating. bleep.

#4

2011-04-22T01:50:00.000+01:00

haha just for the heck of it, i thought i'd get the 'generic' ones out of the way...

who do you trust and why?

generally, i trust the friends i haven't made yet - because i no longer trust the ones i have.

more specifically - i trust x, because he trusts me. :)

#3

2011-04-22T01:45:00.000+01:00

how many of your friends would you trust with your life?

i will admit that this is slightly unfair as i am supposed to be answering questions i don't really know the answer to yet and therefore be forced to think.

there is only person (unrelated to me by blood) i would have trusted my life with - i had a think about this a few years back - but unfortunately this is no longer the case.

the answer to this question is - there is nobody i would trust my life with.

sad, because a very big majority of my friends are literally soon to be doctors, people the rest of the world would be trusting their lives with, and because these are literally the people who will (eventually) know best how to save a life. literally.

and to think the one person i would have trusted my life with has had nothing to do with medicine whatsoever.

#2

2011-04-20T22:12:00.000+01:00

what three questions do you wish you knew the answers to?

how will i die?
will i be able to be passionate about and love neuro-oncology for the rest of my life?
am i being me?

#1

2011-04-20T00:34:00.000+01:00

what's the most difficult decision you've ever made?

i am not terribly proud of the answer i think i am going to be giving.

after sitting in front of my computer and reviewing most of the major decisions i have had to make - i have come to the conclusion that there are none.my life has been pretty easy-going, and am much more fortunate than i think i am. i have never had to suffer the consequences of most of the decisions that have been made - choice of college, choice of subjects taken in college, choice of major in university, choice of university, choice of partner medical school, choice of housemates, choice of friends, choice of attachments, choice of where to go for my electives... the choice of where to work for my foundation years was a bit of a pain in the arse which caused me several slightly agonising days, but that was it. the choice of which track to go into after i complete my foundation years (CMT or ACCS?) has already pretty much been made (CMT!), i've even kiiiiinda decided what i want to do with my life in the future (how can you not know this??)

haha.

but enough with the waffling.

~~the one decision that i question, up to now, occasionally, although it was made some 6 years ago~~

~~actually, i have realised the true answer to this question~~ oh no, wait. this question wants me to state a decision that i have already made

(you can tell that this is going to be good by how pedantic i am being)

the one decision that i question, up to now, occasionally, although it was made some 6 years ago, was the decision to say goodbye to mr monster man.

done

2011-04-19T00:07:00.000+01:00

angst galore!

i have been realising increasingly over the past few days that many of the people i talk to on a regular basis are only interested in themselves and have no regard whatsoever for the things i want to say.

all they do are talk over me and shove their shit in my face.

i am done with all of this shit, i tell you.

i am not talking to you anymore.

goodbye and good fucking riddance.

space-bound

2011-04-18T01:12:00.001+01:00

today i learnt more about your life - oddly enough through eminem songs, lol.

space bound is one of the saddest songs i've heard in a very long time, she is a special and lucky girl. ;)

how can a wonderful person such as you have gone unnoticed?

haha - this is going to be somewhat of a rebound for me, i just know it

wtf michelle lim enough.

ps. it's weird though, things are changing. i think that i have become a more optimistic and cheerful and magnanimous person since talking to him last night. what the bleep is happening?? it feels as if he is responsible for the disappearance of the storm clouds that form my aura. hahahaha.

once upon a time

2011-04-17T04:11:00.000+01:00

there was a girl called michelle

and michelle made a new friend in the unlikeliest of people

and she felt that this was the first person ever who came close to understanding her

is this the beginning of a beautiful and epic friendship?

...

...

...

(let's not get ahead of ourselves here)

:)

you're so fucking special

2011-04-14T21:43:00.002+01:00

Creep

radiohead

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out the door
She's running out
She runs runs runs

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

ps. i would like to clarify that this post is not the result of having just recently watched the social network (i watched it when it first came out), i just stumbled upon this while i was surfing 8tracks. :)

i feel like crap

2011-04-11T23:59:00.000+01:00

i have spent most of the past week swinging between hating and being angry at myself for wasting the past five years of my life on something i cannot even label and wallowing in self pity because certain people are treating me like crap

I AM DONE WITH ALL THIS SHIT

it is time for yet another wake up call.

ohgod this is so boring i cannot bring myself to continue writing

goodbye

hmm..

2011-04-11T23:27:00.002+01:00

sometimes as i sit in front of my computer and stare blankly at the screen in front of me i wonder if there is any point in me maintaining two blogs...

my friend leonard

2011-04-02T00:31:00.000+01:00

just got back from tarland today, spent the past few hours doing laundry and recycling...

(i think some of dr s rubbed off on me, i suddenly felt intense remorse for not recycling!!! i even set up reminders on my phone telling me when the blue bins will be collected so they can finally take out the paper!!! i went to dump some paper in just now and it was so full it wasn't funny -_-)

and getting my stuff together for my portfolio... i should start looking into buying genuine ink so i can print my stuff out properly...

anyway i have decided that i have added another resolution to my list (and we're already passing the quarter-year mark, HAHA): i will recycle! :)

am also trying to work on my resolution to read more, haven't added any books to my read books list.. :/

starting on my friend leonard, hope to stick with it until i finish it (i need a longer attention span!!!!)

it starts off with a pretty interesting sentence:

on my first day in jail, a three hundred pound man named porterhouse hit me in the back of the head with a metal tray.

i think the first sentence of every book is the most important sentence.

let's hope this will be as much of a ride as a million pieces!

also

staying afloat. :)

have you heard...?

2011-03-29T20:13:00.001+01:00

i think i had something more substantial to write today but i have conveniently forgotten it -_-

today, i have come to the realisation that certain jokes can only be told in a certain accent.

for example, imagine this joke being told in a malaysian accent:

have you heard about the cowboy who came into town wearing a brown paper suit? he was arrested for rustling!

not only will you get a "huh?!" from most people if it were to be told in malaysia, it would also sound horribly unfunny and lame. i even find it totally unhilarious in its written form - it's the kind of joke i used to gag at when reading joke books -_-

HOWEVER, it is also one of my GP's favourite jokes (told to him by a patient), and when he tells it in his english accent (i don't know for sure if it is an english accent - i think it is, but i know he's half scottish and he used to spend quite some time in wales and he has been in scotland for the past 26 years so...) it comes out sound quite humourous and we both laughed like idiots for a while after it was told. -_-

here's another one my GP has told me on two separate occasions, it comes up when somebody mentions the word 'kid':

oh! that reminds me! have i told you this joke before? 'doctor, doctor! i feel like a goat!' 'really, how long has this been happening for?' 'a really long time now, ever since i was a kid!!!'

at which point he (my GP) will stare at you expectantly and with hope shimmering in his eyes waiting for a deserving (and favourable) response to this joke which obviously sparkles with intelligent wit and charm.

do you think i should tell my GP some jokes? i'm planning on telling him this tomorrow:

why did the skeleton go to the party alone? because he had nobody to go with!

ha. ha. ha. i am hoping that it will strike some medical chord in him and that will become one of his favourite jokes...............................................

maybe i should tell him some gardening related jokes as well seeing as how he is totally obsessed with his vegetables and flowers and fruits (he has recently grown some tomato pineapples and he has no idea what they are HAHAHA):

shit i forgot the joke. wtf.

(this is me staring at the screen blankly for 3 minutes)

no. really. i forgot the joke. shit i need to get an mmse done -_- OH YES I REMEMBER IT NOW

which flowers can be found on your face? two-lips!

and with that, i shall leave you paralysed in the wake of the immensity of my punniness.

sekian, terima kasih. :)

HAHA :D

once upon a time

2011-03-29T00:03:00.002+01:00

there was a lady who stayed in a little stone house with her third husband.

who was gay.

and who also shared the house with his boyfriend.

overhaul

2011-03-27T23:34:00.001+01:00

hello everybody!

i have just given this blog an overhaul and i dare say i'm pretty much loving it! the monotone of the previous one was slightly too dreary... and boring. i mean it was all minimalistic chic at first, but in retrospect it looked like a boring legal document nobody would ever be interested in reading.

that being said, i hope i don't get sick of this layout too soon, seeing as how the previous layout lasted slightly less than 3 months...

haha. this weekend has been an eventful one, contrary to my hopes of it being restful and restorative and peaceful. i believe i have emerged from it a slightly changed person. (as you can see the revamp has not taken any drama out of me, hahaha)

i spent the weekend steeped in anger, frustration and disappointment - this, i can assure you, is not a very nice way of squandering your youth away - and all this culminated in me spending slightly more than an hour in the bathroom. i spent most of the time lying in the (empty) bathtub and staring at the ceiling while trying to listen to myself think. this did not go very well because i think the excitement of doing something only people in indie movies seem to do overwhelmed my brain and i was daydreaming about the profound revelations that would appear out of nowhere and inspire me and shake the foundations of my world views, and how i would then proceed to bestow that inspiration upon the legions of adoring fans that read my blog...

(needless to say i did not get any real thinking done - and it's not that i have (m)any people to inspire at all -_-)

haha besides the one fundamentally depressing lesson that i have taken away from the past two days (everybody is a bloody disappointment so there is no point in having faith in their characters), i guess the biggest thing i have learnt just from writing this blog entry is that i am fully capable of writing myself into a state of mild euphoria by taking things much less seriously and by entertaining my delusions of grandeur. and that it is bloody fun being dramatic! :D

anyway i think i should stop now - i want to continue rambling but that would deprive you of the fun of reading this entry - you know what they say about quitting while being ahead. lmao.

aside from that, i keep feeling annoyed because I HAVE LOST AN HOUR OF MY LIFE. come to think of it, the only day that is affected is the day the hour is taken from but IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE 2233 HRS NOW, NOT 2333 HRS! argh the outrage!!!!

okay i am done. goodbye people! :)

ps. i just realised that my blog looks like the suicide note of a vampire now. HAHAH. -__-